Toxic Trigger Accountability

Please note, I write this piece with professional training in Mental Health, as well as passing on Intuitive Guidance on the subject.

Understanding our triggers is part of an excellent strategy towards self-mastery. But what happens in interpersonal relationships, when multiple triggers are going off for both parties? And what exactly is Toxic Trigger Accountability?

Firstly, let’s be very clear about what a trigger is and how it works.

Unlike a gun, a trigger isn’t something we consciously fire off to hit a target. Emotional triggers tend to start out as unconscious actions, like instant reflexes to an external event, or an internal thought.

Also, these responses can become our go-to. When something unpleasant happens in life, the brain allows a new memory of the event and a neural pathway forms. Sometimes when a similar event happens in the future, that new neural path shows up as a possible option to take, but it isn’t always the wisest one to follow!

Here is an example of a trigger: I am currently fostering a stray young cat, Winnie. When Winnie sees me going into the kitchen, she gets very excited because she knows food comes from the kitchen. She’ll run frantically towards the kitchen with the hope of being fed and almost trips me up, even if she’s recently eaten!

Her behaviour was created by homelessness at a young age. Before being taken into shelter by the caring Southern Tasmania Cat Rescue, she needed to learn to fend for herself for food. A lovely team member there explained that Winnie’s normal is to eat as much as possible when the opportunity presents, as that’s what she had to do before rescue. For Winnie, the actual trigger is seeing me walk into the kitchen, or opening a kitchen cupboard.

We each have a multitude of triggers within us that are created at different times in our life and it’s up to us to patiently learn to manage them. (If you’d like to go deeper, in my sessions, I am able to intuit personalised trigger or anxiety management tools, such as specific breathing or colour healing techniques that I feel will resonate with you and help you get through those in-the-moment situations).

Trigger awareness

Going back to Miss Winnie, she isn’t capable of recognising her triggers, but humans certainly can. With a qualified coach, lots of practise and plenty of self-kindness, we are perfectly capable of recognising our patterns and nurturing ourselves to reduce those angsty feelings and responses.

While Winnie may not be off to the pet-therapist, she will overcome her foodie-trigger over time. Habitually, she will learn to trust that she’s safe and that regular meals will come at particular times of the day - and perhaps she will see that if I make myself a cup of tea, it doesn’t mean she’s about to get a 3 course meal! 😹 Like Winnie, we can all learn to trust and watch our stress dissolve over time.

In popular media, I am seeing the word “trigger” mentioned more and more. There are many helpful articles we can read by those experienced in trigger management. There are also astrologers who address triggers from different perspectives, by talking about cosmic events that can feel quite unsettling. Fortunately, there is a lot of information out there that gives us different perspectives on triggers.

However, one thing I rarely see less discussed is a topic I call “Toxic Trigger Accountability”. Let’s dive a little deeper into how it all plays out…

Toxic Positivity

This is another popular term I’ve seen in media in the last decade. If you haven’t heard it, it’s when we realise that defaulting to positivity, as the only response to hardship, might not be all it’s cracked out to be. In some cases, being too positive can rob people of the necessary and healing stages of grief and anger.

For a while there, we were being sold on quick gratification without doing the work.

Fortunately, we have Psychologists, Shadow Work Coaches and others who professionally walk people through many facets of healing, from gratitude and positivity, to tackling the darker feelings when appropriate. Mental wellbeing isn’t something to be messed around with and requires a respectful approach.

A trained & preferably experienced coach is a safe bet

Triggering Kindness

Being aware of triggers - and managing them, can be very liberating. Acknowledging our darker feelings in the first place, then coaxing our inner beast to make healthy choices in how they react, is an achievement to be celebrated.

However, I did want to mention that it’s ok to be triggered sometimes. Sometimes we need to let self-kindness itself be triggered within us - meaning it can be very cathartic to go off privately and let off some steam (in a way that harms none). Not allowing our triggers to play out - ever - comes with a danger that may lead to pathological perfectionism.

Trying our best is terrific, but there will be times our reserves are simply low and we just aren’t managing things as well as we could. Lethargy and a tight schedule can have a lot to do with it. Diet and hormones can play a part too (I’ve learned not to binge on Malteasers outside of PMS week!). Then there’s astrology (the planetary shifts and cosmic events can be very triggering at times!).

Life experience in handling conflict greatly affects how well we handle our triggers. And I honestly think many of us aren’t hard-wired to put up instant boundaries in the heat of the moment, because life isn’t scripted.

As I write, I suddenly picture lawyer Alan Shore (James Spader’s character from Boston Legal), handling whatever was thrown at him in the courtroom, cool as a cucumber! Though it’s perfectly human if we don’t have all the answers at all times.

Hint: in times of high stress, it can be very cathartic to open the voice recording app, get all your less-positive feelings off your chest, then stop. In a few days or weeks when you’re feeling calmer and clearer, come back to the recording and make your reflections and management strategies then.

Trigger Happy: Toxic accountability

I’m a big believer in the saying that life sometimes happens “for” us, not “to” us. However, there is a dark side to healing perspectives that I feel deserves discussion.

I sometimes hear unqualified “spiritual” people parroting extreme, rigid and unsupportive views on this subject. While people can be well-meaning, some views out there can dangerously set people backwards on their healing journey, especially if said at the wrong time or in the wrong context.

I understand the one about “life is a reflection of what we need to heal within”…sure, that works. I’ve also heard the old school one about “sticks and stones”.

And I’m personally a fan of telling myself, “Try not to be triggered by the words being used, try to look for the intention”, as I think this offers well-meaning people a kind of grace - sometimes we all neglect to see how our delivery, or choice of words may be harmful and not as helpful as we’d hoped.

Cringey moments are part of the human experience

In short, I simply do not believe we are accountable for everything that happens to us. Sometimes, life just happens. I can see it in Psychic Readings. Sometimes there just isn’t a karmic link - and life is simply unfair.

The good news is, we can actively choose to take on the shadow work required, regardless of how the wound came in. I know it’s an extra workload we didn’t need, but dealing with hardship often levels up our skills, which you can help others with down the track.

Trigger warning - while this may seem a pun on the word “trigger”, there is something in this segment that may trigger recipients of crimes, but the sentiment is to absolve yourself of blame and focus on the healing part

Before I move on, I wanted to briefly touch on those popular spiritual healing fads offering darker perspectives that are very, very concerning.

I’ve heard people say a few times that very extreme misfortunes (eg where criminal atrocities have been committed against a person), is a reflection of how the recipient feels about themselves, or even worse - that they’ve attracted the “lesson” in.

This is detrimental to the stand people are currently taking against atrocities towards human beings. We’re supposed to be standing up to violence against women - not reinforcing the belief that “It’s my fault he beats me”.

If you do hear this unkind and dangerous sort of talk, please, please disregard it and talk to an experienced, qualified therapist who properly understands the correct way to nurture someone through a traumatic experience. A true healer will never make a potentially damaging “blanket statement” like this.

Bludgeoned by Curmudgeons

As you can see, handling triggers within ourselves is quite a process. Eventually, we’ll get to a point where we can manage our triggers…yet still sometimes find ourselves having the odd disagreement with someone who disrails us. In some cases, those who seek to derail us may even shift the focus onto the fact that were are being triggered!

This is a rather cheeky expectation being set, and it’s for you to take full accountability! Enter good old-fashioned gaslighting. Please do not buy into this.

Instead, remember the expression “It takes two to tango”. Two people entered the discussion and both came with different perspectives. Both approached the situation with different tones of voice, body language and a particular choice of words. Either party can be triggered at any time.

Don’t mess with the Curmudegon!

Perhaps that’s how someone treated them during a conflict. Perhaps our line of inquiry is triggering something in them, that they haven’t felt ready to confront yet. Perhaps they have a lot of stress in their life. We all stumble along the rocky path some days.

Not accepting certain behaviour towards us is one thing, but forgiveness and compassion towards others can also be very healing.

All we can do is address our own behaviour, heal our internal wounds and not see the actions or current moods of others as a reflection of something we need to “work on”. We’ve got enough on our plate to heal already!