Accountability is hot - unkindness is not

Eventually, all couples will come to a disagreement, a triggered moment, a flawed moment.

And what’s truly sexy is when both parties handle it like a pro.

😲 When you’ve upset someone

What do you do when you first learn something you did has genuinely upset someone?

What’s your honest, knee-jerk reaction?

There is no judgement here, simply an opportunity to learn something about yourself.

For many (especially extreme Empaths), the default is to feel immediately guilty for having hurt someone else.

Much of the time, I suspect the hurt caused is unintentional (most of us are merely human, not evil!).

And sometimes a past wound being triggered can make one speak out of turn.

On occasion, it’s dry humour that does it…I mean, a careless sentence flung here or there with some sarcastic emphasis to get a point across can be upsetting, particularly when it lands on extra sensitive souls.

Either way, when a strong Empath learns their words or actions have genuinely hurt another, there tends to be heartfelt remorse.

This can be followed by a willingness to provide balm to the disgruntled person’s wounds.

In extreme cases, the guilt process may continue intro self-deprecation, or hauling oneself over the coals until every flawed angle of their action has been drummed in so deeply, that the mistake won’t ever be repeated again.

And finally, one may even forget any accountability the other party also may need to take.

Sound familiar?

This genuine willingness to take accountability to prevent further hurt may be noble, but extreme accountability isn’t handling it like a pro. This approach leaves one vulnerably open - and sadly, some may be willing to exploit it.

Similarly, extreme accountability may be semi-hot, but enabling behaviour is not…meaning, some couples default to only one person sweeping up the crumbs that both have spilled.

So does this mean a person with over expressed accountability needs to change the way they behave? Should they appear more badass, so people don’t take advantage of their chagrin? Or be more discerning with who they show their utter remorse to?

❣️Like a pro:

I sense the person taking accountability for any hurt caused, needs only to own their actions in a genuine, but factual way. Tone down the emotion and simply own it. No more, no less.

By not fawning and falling over ourselves with extreme remorse, we also respect the other person’s opportunity to take accountability for how hurt they continue to allow themselves to be.

😳 When someone has upset you

Similarly, those who don’t seem to care whether they’ve upset someone, also face a choice.

I won’t go into the types of hurt caused. Most of us know how that story goes.

However, I will say lack of empathy can lead to loneliness. I’ve noticed people who seem to lack empathy seem to lack long-term friendships. Or seem disconnected with family. Or community.

It’s natural to want to shun these people. Some of them have been “right little buggers”, carelessly slinging their words here and there without showing any sort of remorse. Some of them even come across like professional tennis players, meaning when their shortcomings are in the spotlight, they immediately point out what the other person has done, without addressing their part at all. All of these pass-the-buck actions unfortunately stunts their growth.

❣️Like a pro:

Compassion is key here.

“Whaaaat”, you say incredulously. “How can such a brazen soul dishing out hurtful comments here be deserving of compassion from others - let alone themselves?”

The thing is, everyone deserves compassion.

I sense people who behave in this way, may have been treated like this by others. It’s a learned behaviour, perhaps from early role models, perhaps from previous partners, from “horrible bosses” - who knows? Either way, it’s come from somewhere. And it’s become a protection mechanism. But this guise only lasts so long. Eventually, we need to crack open the vulnerability and work through our need to do this.

A true story:

I had a long-term friend who passed away from cancer. I was fortunate to have the chance to hang out a couples times whenever I drove up to see her - and even say goodbye the day she passed.

One of the last things she said to me was, “I suspect I default to being mean, when something confronts me”. I have nothing but respect for this brave woman, not only facing her death, but owning her short comings.

When we fully embrace that knee-jerk unkindness happens for us - and it does take courage - we have the power to change it. And the incentive? More harmonious, healthy relationships.

Wouldn’t it be nice not to have a string of failed romances, or friendships, or jobs for that matter? Surely not every connection is going to work out. But wouldn’t it be nice to drop the pride and stop blaming others for 100% of the problem and gift ourselves some balance by owning our poop too?

That’s fair, just - and refreshing. Like springtime.

It has the scent of growth. Of blossoming.

Which is sexy!

👯‍♀️ Here is a little couple’s-tiff dialogue, that may inspire:

K: (Makes a remark that didn’t land well)

Q: That comment actually hurt!

K: What?? (Takes a moment to reflect). Oh shit…I mean, I did have a point I was trying to get across, but I can see how my choice of words was hurtful.

Q: Ohhh-kay…I’m actually cool with that acknowledgement (Bomb diffused). Give me a moment to pat down my ruffled feathers, then we can get to the healing part…

K: …discussed with kindness and compassion, yes!

Q: …with no more shame and blame, yay!

K:  Love you! Let’s sort this shit and…

Q: …both own our part. Love you back!

Mind you, sometimes we do need a little bit of time to process (and sometimes even trust!) a genuine apology, when it is offered. It’s perfectly healthy to take time out and work through the main concern another time, when there is less emotional charge.

Good luck people, love one another - and let every day be…

International Accountability Day!